I know I totally just went from crazy happy to depressing. Life
just handed me the crappy end of the stick. The number one thing I can say is –
you have no idea how it truly feels, until it happens to you. I knew of woman
that had miscarriages and I knew it must be horrible but I never knew the exact
depth or extent. In February of this year we decided to start trying for baby
number three, being that we wanted all our children close in age. It didn’t take
long because that monthly visit never came and we were pregnant! I was so
excited I could hardly stand it; I was also vomiting my brains out so bad I could
hardly stand it. I’ve had morning sickness with both my boys but this…THIS was
horrible. I couldn’t even keep down water. My doctor prescribed me my new bff
named Zofran. He was amazing, what morning sickness? Everything seemed to be
going fine. My doctor made our first ultrasound around 11 weeks of pregnancy. I
thought this was odd because with both my boys I had ultrasounds on my first
appointments which were around 5-6 weeks of pregnancy. Both times I saw my
healthy boys & heard healthy heartbeats. I expected this time to be no
different. I spent six weeks anxiously awaiting that appointment. I could not
stand to go another minute without hearing my baby’s heartbeat. It was killing
me. Finally the day had come! I had already announced my pregnancy allllllll
over Facebook and told all of our family because both of my pregnancies before
had been fine. I expected this one to be no different. Boy was I in for a
shock. I lied down ready to hear my child’s heart beat when my doctor put the Doppler
up against my stomach. Nothing. I heard nothing. He searched and searched for
about 15 minutes trying to find it. Nothing. I was scared but I though...hey I have
a tilted uterus, maybe my baby’s so far back they can’t hear it. They immediately
put us in an ultrasound room; it was all downhill from then. I have a pretty
good idea about what I should see on an ultrasound. I had this big screen TV in
front of me and all I could see was a big space of black nothingness. Heartbroken
was an understatement. I still thought maybe I’m just earlier along that I thought.
They then took us into the doctor’s office where he sat us down and explained
to us that the baby I had stopped developing at some point and I should expect
to miscarry. I thought they were freaking nuts. I had absolutely no signs of
miscarriage and I felt fine! I went home and googled anything and everything I could
find which was the biggest mistake. I began to believe that my tilted uterus
was preventing them from seeing the baby on ultrasound. I was in denial and
shock. I still decided to explain the situation to family and friends, talk
about horrible. Everyone’s apologies
were the last thing I wanted to hear when I still believed in my heart I was
carrying a perfectly fine child. I waited…and waited to miscarry. I even had a
repeat ultrasound done two weeks later to make sure they were right. Baby still
wasn’t developing. I had a big empty 9 week gestational sac. I still didn’t believe
them. I waited another two weeks, and I finally started miscarrying at 13 weeks
of pregnancy. I was so nervous to have a D&C so I chose naturally. For two
weeks I was weak, and sick. Miserable. That’s when everything hit me all at
once. I lost my baby. Depression set it. Anger. I was angry at everyone. Why the
hell did this happen to me and what did I do to deserve this? I wanted that
baby more than anything on this entire planet. I had already picked out names
and planned out how I wanted the nursery. I had already scheduled my gender
ultrasound. I was going insane. People say things that they think will make you
feel better but it just doesn’t. It makes you angry. I had people tell me I already
had two healthy babies, I was blessed. That didn’t make me feel better. Just because
I had two healthy babies didn’t make me love my third any less…it didn’t make
that loss any easier. It in fact made it even more difficult. I had already
thought about what my child would look like, who they would be like,
everything. It doesn’t matter how far along you are when you lose a child, or
if you have zero children, or five children. It is still the loss of a child. That
woman has already made plans for her child and become emotionally attached. Like
I said, you have no idea what it is like until you are in the position. Guilt. Feeling
guilty about it all is the worst part. After the past few weeks of therapy I have
finally come to realize this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have
done to prevent this. At the time I fully blamed myself. I would think and
think and think. Did I drink too much coffee? Was I too stressed? Was it too
soon after mayson? Was my body just done having children? Did I take on way too
much? I was driving myself crazy. Even now four months later, I still drive
myself crazy about the situation. People still make their comments about the
situation and I still have a hard time not getting angry or upset. It is a
daily battle with myself. I miss that child, I will always love that child and
the one thing that helps me cope, is this quote. “Babies lost in the womb were
never touched by fear; they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and
importantly always knew love.” On my rough days I read that to myself over and
over, and somehow it just makes me feel better. I’ve been having my hcg levels
drawn every two weeks, as me and my husband are anxious to brush our shoulders
off, get right back up & try again. It’s been four months and my body is
STILL hanging on to HCG hormones left from baby. My last level was taken august
thirteen and it was 92. Frustrating but all I can do is have patience and work
on making myself the best mother possible along with getting myself as healthy
as possible for the next chance at pregnancy. I was weary about putting all of
this out, on the internet…on the public freaking internet…but in a sense this
is therapy to me. Every time I write about the whole situation or talk about it
I feel better. Every time I hear another woman’s story, I don’t feel so alone. I
think it’s very important as a woman to speak out because not many have the
strength to do so when dealing with miscarriage. I hope that through this I can
help someone cope with their loss or guilt. I don’t care if this helps one
person…or even five people. I just want to help someone and let them know that
they aren’t alone, it’s not your fault, and you did absolutely nothing to
deserve to have that dream taken from you. Life happens. It just happens. All you
can do is hold your memory of your child close to you and try to move on with
life the best way you know how. That’s all I’m trying to do. And it’s still an
insane obstacle to overcome. RIP sweet baby, I miss you and one day I will see
you again. You are in a much better place, the safest place in the world. You are
never forgotten.
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