Thursday, August 22, 2013


I know I totally just went from crazy happy to depressing. Life just handed me the crappy end of the stick. The number one thing I can say is – you have no idea how it truly feels, until it happens to you. I knew of woman that had miscarriages and I knew it must be horrible but I never knew the exact depth or extent. In February of this year we decided to start trying for baby number three, being that we wanted all our children close in age. It didn’t take long because that monthly visit never came and we were pregnant! I was so excited I could hardly stand it; I was also vomiting my brains out so bad I could hardly stand it. I’ve had morning sickness with both my boys but this…THIS was horrible. I couldn’t even keep down water. My doctor prescribed me my new bff named Zofran. He was amazing, what morning sickness? Everything seemed to be going fine. My doctor made our first ultrasound around 11 weeks of pregnancy. I thought this was odd because with both my boys I had ultrasounds on my first appointments which were around 5-6 weeks of pregnancy. Both times I saw my healthy boys & heard healthy heartbeats. I expected this time to be no different. I spent six weeks anxiously awaiting that appointment. I could not stand to go another minute without hearing my baby’s heartbeat. It was killing me. Finally the day had come! I had already announced my pregnancy allllllll over Facebook and told all of our family because both of my pregnancies before had been fine. I expected this one to be no different. Boy was I in for a shock. I lied down ready to hear my child’s heart beat when my doctor put the Doppler up against my stomach. Nothing. I heard nothing. He searched and searched for about 15 minutes trying to find it. Nothing. I was scared but I though...hey I have a tilted uterus, maybe my baby’s so far back they can’t hear it. They immediately put us in an ultrasound room; it was all downhill from then. I have a pretty good idea about what I should see on an ultrasound. I had this big screen TV in front of me and all I could see was a big space of black nothingness. Heartbroken was an understatement. I still thought maybe I’m just earlier along that I thought. They then took us into the doctor’s office where he sat us down and explained to us that the baby I had stopped developing at some point and I should expect to miscarry. I thought they were freaking nuts. I had absolutely no signs of miscarriage and I felt fine! I went home and googled anything and everything I could find which was the biggest mistake. I began to believe that my tilted uterus was preventing them from seeing the baby on ultrasound. I was in denial and shock. I still decided to explain the situation to family and friends, talk about horrible.  Everyone’s apologies were the last thing I wanted to hear when I still believed in my heart I was carrying a perfectly fine child. I waited…and waited to miscarry. I even had a repeat ultrasound done two weeks later to make sure they were right. Baby still wasn’t developing. I had a big empty 9 week gestational sac. I still didn’t believe them. I waited another two weeks, and I finally started miscarrying at 13 weeks of pregnancy. I was so nervous to have a D&C so I chose naturally. For two weeks I was weak, and sick. Miserable. That’s when everything hit me all at once. I lost my baby. Depression set it. Anger. I was angry at everyone. Why the hell did this happen to me and what did I do to deserve this? I wanted that baby more than anything on this entire planet. I had already picked out names and planned out how I wanted the nursery. I had already scheduled my gender ultrasound. I was going insane. People say things that they think will make you feel better but it just doesn’t. It makes you angry. I had people tell me I already had two healthy babies, I was blessed. That didn’t make me feel better. Just because I had two healthy babies didn’t make me love my third any less…it didn’t make that loss any easier. It in fact made it even more difficult. I had already thought about what my child would look like, who they would be like, everything. It doesn’t matter how far along you are when you lose a child, or if you have zero children, or five children. It is still the loss of a child. That woman has already made plans for her child and become emotionally attached. Like I said, you have no idea what it is like until you are in the position. Guilt. Feeling guilty about it all is the worst part. After the past few weeks of therapy I have finally come to realize this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. At the time I fully blamed myself. I would think and think and think. Did I drink too much coffee? Was I too stressed? Was it too soon after mayson? Was my body just done having children? Did I take on way too much? I was driving myself crazy. Even now four months later, I still drive myself crazy about the situation. People still make their comments about the situation and I still have a hard time not getting angry or upset. It is a daily battle with myself. I miss that child, I will always love that child and the one thing that helps me cope, is this quote. “Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear; they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and importantly always knew love.” On my rough days I read that to myself over and over, and somehow it just makes me feel better. I’ve been having my hcg levels drawn every two weeks, as me and my husband are anxious to brush our shoulders off, get right back up & try again. It’s been four months and my body is STILL hanging on to HCG hormones left from baby. My last level was taken august thirteen and it was 92. Frustrating but all I can do is have patience and work on making myself the best mother possible along with getting myself as healthy as possible for the next chance at pregnancy. I was weary about putting all of this out, on the internet…on the public freaking internet…but in a sense this is therapy to me. Every time I write about the whole situation or talk about it I feel better. Every time I hear another woman’s story, I don’t feel so alone. I think it’s very important as a woman to speak out because not many have the strength to do so when dealing with miscarriage. I hope that through this I can help someone cope with their loss or guilt. I don’t care if this helps one person…or even five people. I just want to help someone and let them know that they aren’t alone, it’s not your fault, and you did absolutely nothing to deserve to have that dream taken from you. Life happens. It just happens. All you can do is hold your memory of your child close to you and try to move on with life the best way you know how. That’s all I’m trying to do. And it’s still an insane obstacle to overcome. RIP sweet baby, I miss you and one day I will see you again. You are in a much better place, the safest place in the world. You are never forgotten.


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